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LAMB OF GOD Singer Randy Blythe's Penis Is Recovering From Burns

By Larry Petro, News Monkey
Friday, June 20, 2014 @ 7:07 AM


After Being Scalded By Hot Coffee

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And from the files of 'We Can't Make This Shit Up' comes this:

Apparently, last week LAMB OF GOD frontman Randy Blythe made a very poor decision to drive with a mug of extremely hot java tucked between his legs when the lid came loose, spilling the contents directly onto his Johnson. Evidently, his entire ordeal in the Czech Republic wasn't enough torture for him. Try to keep from spewing out your own beverage while reading what Randy posted to his Instagram account with regards to what happened....

"WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL.

There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments. The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake (of) placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well...it had covered my penis.

I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith.

Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I've told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight."

He also felt the need to give everyone an updated status on his penis's recovery:

"I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD. He's good to go. I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal "news" sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did (I guess they will run anything, or it must be a slow week- I wrote that story here just to give y'all a few laughs- damn, all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit- I'm sure it happens to someone everyday). Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like "Ouch! Are you ok?" or "I'm really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude"- while the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it's not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news. Anyways, with penises, just as with all things in life, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. My dude was a little sore for two days- that's it. Ok, that's enough about my penis- I shall never mention him here again. (ps- I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder)"

Thank you Randy, we can all sleep a little better now.....


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