Welcome to the LOUDEST DOT COM ON THE PLANET!
KNAC.COM
LISTEN NOW!WATCH NOW! LOGIN JOIN
MAGAZINEON-AIRDOWNLOADSCHATBOARDSCONTESTSSTORE
News

LAMB OF GOD Singer Randy Blythe's Penis Is Recovering From Burns

By Larry Petro, News Monkey
Friday, June 20, 2014 @ 7:07 AM


After Being Scalded By Hot Coffee

- advertisement -

- advertisement -
And from the files of 'We Can't Make This Shit Up' comes this:

Apparently, last week LAMB OF GOD frontman Randy Blythe made a very poor decision to drive with a mug of extremely hot java tucked between his legs when the lid came loose, spilling the contents directly onto his Johnson. Evidently, his entire ordeal in the Czech Republic wasn't enough torture for him. Try to keep from spewing out your own beverage while reading what Randy posted to his Instagram account with regards to what happened....

"WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL.

There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments. The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake (of) placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well...it had covered my penis.

I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith.

Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I've told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight."

He also felt the need to give everyone an updated status on his penis's recovery:

"I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD. He's good to go. I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal "news" sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did (I guess they will run anything, or it must be a slow week- I wrote that story here just to give y'all a few laughs- damn, all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit- I'm sure it happens to someone everyday). Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like "Ouch! Are you ok?" or "I'm really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude"- while the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it's not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news. Anyways, with penises, just as with all things in life, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. My dude was a little sore for two days- that's it. Ok, that's enough about my penis- I shall never mention him here again. (ps- I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder)"

Thank you Randy, we can all sleep a little better now.....


Please log in to view RANTS

If you don't have a username, click here to create an account!

Username: 
Password: 

Message: 
 
 

 





 Recent News
Represent! Get Your KNAC.COM Bumper Sticker
Happenings This Week on KNAC.COM
THRUST Set To Release Harvest Of Souls Album
EMMURE Release "Ice Man Confessions" Video
DEEP PURPLE, JUDAS PRIEST Announce Summer Co-Headline Tour
OVERKILL Say "Thanx For Nothin'" In New Video
TARJA, STRATOVARIUS Announce "A Nordic Symphony ‘18" Double Headline Tour
BRUCE DICKINSON Set To Release Scream For Me Sarajevo Film Soundtrack And DVD
CANCER BATS Release Surprise New LP The Spark That Moves
LIFECURSE Releases "Buzzard Bait" Video
FROM ASHES TO NEW Release New Album The Future
MONUMENT Release "William Kidd" Video
WHITE WIZZARD Unveil 8 Minute "Chasing Dragons" Video
THE DEAD DAISIES Announce EU & UK Summer Tour
MENZAJAMS Presents NICK MENZA Benefit Concert, Auction
JIZZY PEARL'S LOVE/HATE Confirm UK Tour
MONSTERS OF ROCK CRUISE 2019 Lineup Revealed
DEVIN TOWNSEND Announces ERAS Part 1 Vinyl Collection
RAGE Members Form New Band REFUGE, Release New Single
ANGEL VIVALDI Announces The “Melodic Decadence” Summer Tour
Guitarist PAUL CROOK Launches All-Star Interactive Band DEVILSTAR
NIGHT DEMON Reveal Details For "Darkness Over North America Tour" 2018
FATES WARNING Announce Live Over Europe Album
Three KING DIAMOND Vinyl Reissues, Abigail, Fatal Portrait And Them Now Available
DEVILDRIVER Reveals Outlaws 'Til The End Country-Gone-Metal Covers Album
Rock/Metal Artist DEREK HESS Announces "31 Days in May" Mental Health Awareness Tour
CANDLEMASS To Release New EP House Of Doom
HOGAN'S GOAT Unleash "Shit Kicker" Video
TNT Releases New Single "Tears In My Eyes"
EVERY MOTHER'S NIGHTMARE Album Smokin' Delta Voodoo Gets Reissue
Canada's LOUD AS HELL Announces 2018 Line Up W/ FIT FOR AN AUTOPSY, ARCHSPIRE, INTO ETERNITY, NINJASPY And More
RED DEVIL VORTEX Launches "Something Has To Die" Video
HALESTORM Add Dates To Female-Fronted Hard Rock Tour
A PERFECT CIRCLE Share New Song “So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish”
TREMONTI Releases Music Video For Debut Single “Take You With Me”
LIZZY BORDEN Returns With His First Album In 11 Years, My Midnight Things
LORD OF THE LOST Announce New Album Thornstar, European Tour Dates
LOUDWIRE Announces GEN-X SUMMER With BUCKCHERRY, P.O.D., LIT, & ALIEN ANT FARM
VILE CALIBER Release New "Willpower" Track, Video
MARDUK Announce New Album Viktoria
THE RAVEN AGE Reveal New Vocalist MATT JAMES
GHOST Set To Release New Album Prequelle
CKY Announce Summer Co-Headline Tour With SLAVES
AMANDA SOMERVILLE'S TRILLIUM Reveal New Album, Tectonic
THE ATOMIC BITCHWAX Confirm North American Tour With THE SWORD
MADBALL Announce For The Cause Album Details
Symphonic Metallers GRAVESHADOW Unveil New Video For "Warchief"
MISS MAY I Launch New "Under Fire" Music Video
SEVENTH WONDER Announce New Album, Tiara
ARTILLERY To Reissue B.A.C.K. Album In June
YES Featuring ANDERSON, RABIN, WAKEMAN Announce QUINTESSENTIAL YES: THE 50th ANNIVERSARY TOUR
STRIKER Unleash "Pass Me By" Video
VICIOUS RUMORS Announce "Digital Dictator - 30th Anniversary Tour"
LAS RAGEOUS Band Performance Times Announced
PHOENIX RISING Release Video For "Lights Out"
DORO Unveils Cover Artwork + Title Of New Upcoming Album Forever Warriors, Forever United
ALICE COOPER Extends North American "Paranormal Evening" Tour Through October
TRIVIUM Launches "Endless Night Video
TOOL Music Clinics Announced For May
AFTERSHOCK Festival Reveals 2018 Band Lineup
VOICES OF EXTREME Announce Debut UK Tour
SALEMS LOTT Release "Royal Desperado" Video
VANLADE Stream "The Curse at Raven's Reach" Song
SABER TIGER Eastern Europe 'Devastation Tour' Announced
BULLET "Fuel The Fire" In Newly Launched Video
SEVENDUST Are "Not Original" With New Video
TREMONTI Stream New Album Title Track "A Dying MAchine"
MEGADETH Announce Killing Is My Business...And Business Is Good: The Final Kill Deluxe Reissue Of Iconic Debut Album
NERVOSA Debut "Never Forget, Never Repeat" Track
FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH Stream New "Fake" Track
KORPIKLAANI Announce New Studio Album, Kulkija
RINGS OF SATURN Release Music Video For "Margidda"
EXMORTUS Premiere New Single, "Make Haste"
MILLENNIAL REIGN "Break The Tide" With New Video
THE NIGHT FLIGHT ORCHESTRA Reveal New Album Sometimes The World Ain't Enough
GRAVEYARD Debuts New Video For "Please Don't"
GRANNY 4 BARREL Unleash "She Likes Guns" Video
Original VICIOUS RUMORS Bassist DAVE STARR Celebrates 30th Anniversary Of Digital Dictator Album
K.K. DOWNING Unveils Autobiography Cover For US Edition Of Heavy Duty: Days And Nights In Judas Priest
LORDI Reveal Sexorcism Album Details
TETRARCH Announces Upcoming Headline Tour Dates
ALESTORM, GLORYHAMMER Announce North American Tour
FLESHGOD APOCALYPSE Equipment Stolen In Sweden
NEKROGOBLIKON Unleash Bombastic New Track, “The Magic Spider”
WITCH MOUNTAIN Confirms North American Summer Tour
SOULFLY/CAVALERA CONSPIRACY Guitarist MARC RIZZO Announces NYC Listening Party
WORHOL Streams New Track "Is This What's Left Of Me"
OTEP Announces "FIRE & FURY" North American Summer Headline Tour Dates





HOME | MAGAZINE | ON-AIR | DOWNLOADS | CHAT | BOARDS | CONTESTS | STORE | HELP

©2018 KNAC.COM. All Rights Reserved.    Link to us    Advertise with us    Privacy policy
 Latest News