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MTV Awards: Where's the Punchline?

By Rob Jones, Founder
Thursday, August 29, 2002 @ 7:41 PM

Or did I just watch it...

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So I'm channel flipping, and see MTV VIDEO AWARDS. Okay, why not. MTV, You're kidding right? The once great bastion of the music video has truly outdone itself on this one. A shell of it's former self, MTV has truly proven it has become the byproduct of the latest and greatest Pepsi Campaign of the week. A myriad of politics and programming confusion, scattered about like a musical minefield of dog crap, and ultimately, demonstrating one thing tonight, it truly has lost all touch. It's lost it's vision and someone needs to take the reigns over there and head back to the drawing board. I heard Anthony Kiedis say "24/7 Music Videos"... I think MTV forgot how to do that effectively 15 years ago.

It's an embarassment to the industry and an insult to the fans. The VMA's this evening, fell flat on their face from one rap act to the next (and believe me, I heard more rhymes tonight then my Mother Goose books in my first 10 years of childhood). Today's superstars, stumbling to read jokes that would make the dead frown, and a host with the delivery and execution of the latest passing of a can of Alpo from good ol' Spot. Joke after joke, the only thing heard was the latest male superstar not on stage splatting a urinal mat from 300 yards away in some backstage dressing room.

"Classic Example Moment of the Night" #1- Britney Spears presented Michael Jackson with a cake to mark his 44th birthday. She referred to Jackson as "the artist of the millennium". Jackson thought he actually won an award by that name, and thanked MTV for giving him the "Artist of the Millennium" award. Later, an MTV spokesman hurriedly alerted the press that he had received no such award - no such award exists. Britney might as well of thrown the cake in Jackson's face.

"Classic Example Moment of the Night" #2- Run DMC enters the stage to a near golf clap like applause, Mic to mouth in the cool, suave, deboniare, "I'm so money G" attitude that is Rap Culture, "Yo, we on tour with Aerosmith and Kid Rock right now", mic drops in a "Yea, we bad" fashion and NOTHING. SILENCE. The sound of urine yet again hitting what is now becoming an MTV logo'd urinal mat. Hands up in the air in a "What the Fuck???" fashion, and "Well, it's big for us" the rapper chimed, rolling right into the P-Diddy performance introduction. That moment just SUMMED UP the night, in less than 30 seconds.

You have to ask yourself while viewing this disaster, "What the fuck are these people thinking?" then as you watch, you have to ask yourself, "What the fuck am I thinking?" There are lots of channels to choose from, and I'm going to find one. I think Ron Popeil has a new pocket Fisherman on sale on some paid programming channel somewhere, and I'm on a mission to find it now.They aren't even over yet, but just like MTV just did to me, I'm gonna dump on them.

Scenario -- Best Rock Video. Like all the other categories, prefaced by an intro segment of nominees. Werd to their muthas - mundane, lame, and flat out completely retarded segments of the MTV astronaut, that poises proudly on each award, in some kind of scenario that just astounds you as to the level of mediocrity the human can achieve. Two MTV plated metal astronauts in a rock 'em sock 'em robot match. Yup, thats what I said, that is the pinnacle of esteemed offerings that has arisen to entertain the masses on this eve of the "Celebration of Music Video." By the way, nothing personal to the Osbourne camp, but must we see one more "Osbourne Fight Segment" used as a tool in some third party effort? Yeah it's funny on the show, yeah it's amazingly charming delivered in it's natural environment, but in a contrived fashion, it just doesn't work. Sorry, It's now in "market oversaturation." Too much of good thing can turn bad, and it's time to "Chill Yo" in MTVspeak.

The most atrocious thing is good money says, backstage, the Armani-clad asses are being kissed, and the patting of the backs are aplenty for a "Great show and a job well done." Let me tell ya, whomever was paid to write and produce this event, if they were given a dollar, they were GROSSLY overpaid. Worse yet, they're gonna constipate the channel with 20 reruns of this debacle before the weeks out!

Now mind you, these aren't the words of a "disgruntled metalhead" who says, "If the words don't rhyme, you get no MTV time," but a 20-year industry veteran, who watched the moment MTV launched, and has watched the rocket lose orbit and plummet to earth. I'll tell ya, the industry is quick to blame the Internet for the downward spiral in sales, but it may be time to really dig deep and think about that one. If this is the example of the caliber of offerings to the public today, it's a bigger problem than the Internet, trust me.

I hear Guns N' Roses may perform, let me know how it goes.

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