Tuesday, July 29, 2003 @ 4:30 PM
Sick and Twisted Metal Prankst
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After signing a worldwide deal with Century Media Records, the Bay Area's demented, maniacal surgeons known as Impaled are back in business and more bloodthirsty than ever before. The announcement comes on the heels of the success of their well-received album, Mondo Medicale, and on the eve of the release of a groundbreaking conceptual split-CD release with the Spanish stalwarts of gore, Haemmorhage. When reached for comment, Sean McGrath (guitar and vocals) had this to say: "We're very happy to be working with a label with such a good reputation and with an obvious commitment to releasing quality material by the best bands in the business." McGrath then sped off in his brand new Lotus, which bore a vanity license plate that read FUHKOFF.
A blindly optimistic Raul Varela (drums), apparently unaware of the history of his own band, was quoted as saying: "We are ready for this deal, and are very excited to start working on a new album and future tours all over the world and adjacent planets. I'm sure Century Media will help take us to the next level and we'll have the chance to show all the non-believers what Impaled are capable of doing with the support and professionalism of a real label behind us." He then lit a Cuban cigar with a flaming copy of Action Comics #1.
"I'm more than ecstatic to be working with the fine folks at Century Media Records, as I'm sure they're more than ecstatic to be working with an icon like me," said Ross Sewage (bass and vocals) just before hurling a Faberge egg at his enormous flat-screen TV. Meanwhile, Andrew LaBarre (guitars) could not be reached for comment as he is trapped in a snowbound hunting lodge somewhere in Siberia.
This group of savages hell-bent on the wholesale slaughter of every man, woman and child on earth came together in 1997 to disseminate their gore-splattered metal to the slavering masses. The quartet have based their career on creating some of the most vile and abrasive material ever thought possible, further displayed over three deranged full-length albums. An instant underground cult sensation, the group crawled out of the morgue and toured with the likes of genre titans Nile, Vader, Origin, Skinless and Decapitated. After spreading their filth worldwide, the slaughterhouse four knew that they had to raise the stakes and undergo a colostomy to free themselves from their old deal. After selling their souls to Century Media, the group are determined to create their most disturbing, gruesome offering to date.
These sadistic purveyors of medical malpractice are currently engrossed in purging their most deranged thoughts and experiences into their next full-length album. There is no cure for this impending sickness that will be unleashed upon the unsuspecting masses next year.