Tokemaster's Jokes
By
Tokemaster General,
Contributor
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 @ 6:35 AM
Share Your Sick and Twisted Humor
A line of young women waits to get into heaven. Saint Peter stands in fron of the pearly gates to question each lady before allowing them entry.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Have you ever touched penis?"
The young lady replied, "Only with my pinky finger."
Dip your pinky in the holy water, and you may enter heaven, St. Peter responded.
The next girl stepped up and to the same question, replied, "Yes. I held one, and moved my hand up and down 2 or three times."
Saint Peter said, "Wash your hand in the holy water and you may enter heaven."
All of a sudden, there was a great commotion. A young lady from near the middle of the line pushed her way to the front. Saint Peter asked, "What is this all about?" The woman replied, looking at the next lady in line, "I've got to gargle that holy water before she dunks her fat ass in it!"
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:35:43 PM A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.
The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".
The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".
The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:23:14 PM A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:22:29 PM
"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."
The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:16:32 PM For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:15:16 PM Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:14:03 PM The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
rockitty - 11/20/2009 1:13:22 PM WHY , for the love of everything Holy , is the Ug-Lee drama not bieng played out on THIS page ? OOOF !
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:06:35 PM The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:02:42 PM A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"
Gravy_ - 11/20/2009 1:02:06 PM The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
Harry_Balzonya - 11/19/2009 1:29:40 PM On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20..00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to findanother position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of depositsissued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!' That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
3cardpkr - 11/19/2009 8:25:44 AM ....goin through a dry spell..... this sucks......
Gravy_ - 11/19/2009 6:23:50 AM Sorry, is it Friday yet?!
Gravy_ - 11/19/2009 6:06:46 AM Q: What did 50 cent say to his grandmother who gave him a sweater she had made him?
A: G-U-NIT
cdnmetalqueen - 11/18/2009 11:53:52 AM Who was the most wickedist person in the bible? It was Moses cause he broke all ten commandments at the same time.
