Andrew WK I Get Wet
Wednesday, May 15, 2002 @ 2:28 PM
You know what I’m talking about -- the party is dying, and the tap on the beer keg drips sadly to the floor making a puddle on the shag carpet by the television. As you walk around, you nearly trip over a group of strangers draped over some disheveled sofa cushions that somehow made it out near the hallway. The only smoldering embers of this debaucherous night are a few die-hards seated near the front door taking merciless hits from a bong shaped remarkably like Fat Albert’s head. Evidently, the group has consumed so much pot that even the 3AM test patterns flickering on the screen before them have started to take meaning. You’re not sure at first, but you could swear that one of them is mumbling something about the designs on the linoleum really being some type of ancient hieroglyphics sent forth from the Gods. Another toker, who had just exhaled a massive amount of smoke only seconds before, was now proclaiming that the cockroach scuttling along the floor surely possessed some type of inner knowledge that might reveal itself if only they could speak the language. It is at this moment when even the most mundane aspects of human life suddenly take on a supernatural meaning that someone could put on Andrew WK’s new album entitled I Get Wet… and be stoned enough to try to make something useful out of it. Hell, this late at night, everyone is so strung out that even Kool and the Gang might seem to have some sort of significance.
I’d tell you something here about how track one sounds, but then again, you’ve probably already heard it ten thousand times on that Coors commercial where everyone jumps around acting like second graders just before nap time. I doubt that hardly any editing had to be done for the ad, since this introductory track clocks in at a breakneck 1:30. Andrew’s thoughtful ode to partying entitled… hmm, well, “It’s Time to Party” possesses lyrics that are well crafted with careful attention doubtlessly being paid to both rhyme and meter as he implores the listener to “Party, party, because there’s gonna be a party tonight.” Wow. And just how in the hell could he follow this up you may ask? Give the guy credit, because the second song manages to break new ground, yup yup. See, in “Party Hard” he takes a vastly different approach by saying “Let’s get a party goin’, let’s get a party goin’ and when it’s time to party, we will always party hard.” …Well, hmm, maybe it’s not that different.
Each song here has an extremely polished soundtrack-ready vibe to it, and the third selection is no different. In the tune, entitled “Girls Own Love,” Andrew tackles a relationship with a difficult woman who “Kicks ya when you’re down on the ground.” Although this tune seems to take on a subject that many males are well versed in, he does it in such a sophomoric way that even middle school students may find themselves insulted by the mentality of the lyrics. It doesn’t get much better when in “She is Beautiful,” Andrew proclaims that “I never knew girls existed like you, now that I do, I’d really like to get to know you.” Go ahead, I implore you to go ahead and use that tired ass line tonight when you go to the neighborhood bar and see how much play you get. Beware if you do though -- crossed eyes and a snaggle-toothed smile can frequently be a sign of inbreeding.
The disc concludes with a group of songs that, remarkably enough, touch on the same themes which have already been dealt with previously in the disc. “Party til’ You Puke” is about… partying and then… are you ready for this? Vomiting!! Remember that old song by Saxon of the same name? Well, it’s about a hundred times better than this, and I didn’t really like that tune either. In, “Fun Night” party boy Andrew says, “It’s fun night, fun night, and we’re gonna get off.” I wonder if that part of the song will take a special meaning after it’s been blasted continuously in the local frat house that you just know this disc is destined for -- y’know, I always wondered about all that “brotherhood.” Shit, maybe I should just be more tolerant -- if Biff does Dougie in the privacy of their own living room, then I guess it’s no business of mine. At least with brother on brother sex you don’t end up with a whole litter of cross-eyed hillbillies running around.
Hey, this offering isn’t just about partying and having fun with girls either. The tenth song, “Got to Do It” is a philosophical declaration of the human spirit. You see, even when things get hard, “Ya got ta to it.” You can’t let the shit keep you down!! That’s what Andrew is saying here. Man, screw all that negative crap. Screw it!! All of it. The secret is just to keep moving. You can’t stay down, dude. Keep up, cause, “we gotta keep it alive.” The truths hidden in this song are amazing and just think -- Andrew WK’s lyrics are only likely to improve from here. Hard to contemplate. Such a visionary.
Andrew WK’s album entitled I Get Wet serves a purpose -- it is a vehicle to make money. Sure, everyone in a band wants to make a billion dollars -- the only difference is that you’d be hard pressed to find someone as willing to whore himself out to corporate America as shamelessly as this guy. I mean, from here on in, we’ll stop calling this offering a “disc” or an “album” -- no, no, this should be considered what it is, a product. Andrew WK will probably sell tons and tons of this pseudo, wannabe metal product before retiring from the music biz only to end up writing jingles for commercials throughout his middle age. Don’t get me wrong, there is no problem with a band writing songs about partying and getting laid. Van Halen did it, but they did it with humor and style. AC/DC still does it, but they also kick your ass with killer riffs and distinctive vocals. This product does neither. Sonically, these songs are all very similar and if your name isn’t the Ramones or even Rob Zombie for that matter, that can be a very bad thing. And the lyrics… I’ve read better on the countless porta potty walls I’ve frequented throughout this fair nation. Shamelessy trying to package this product as some type of aggressive metal is deceiving and will doubtlessly be met negatively by all of those with an IQ above that of one of their dead relatives. As a matter of fact, the experience of listening to this product got so bad that by the time I finished the twelfth song that Andrew WK has brought forth, I found myself taking a disgusted look down at the cover art which shows him bleeding profusely from his damaged nose and wished like hell that I had been the one who punched him.
It’s the point in the evening when all hope is gone and the search for answers leads everywhere and nowhere seemingly at the same time as your damaged brain cells scream for mercy.
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